Last night, I went with a friend to watch Maleficent again. It was at the 3 dollar movie theater, and I was pleased to take in the beautiful visuals once more. The first time I had seen it, I felt akin to the fairy with wings that Maleficent was before she was betrayed. I felt her pain “after”, when she railed against not being able to fly–essentially, for losing her old life.

While I was sleeping, at some point in 2009-11, I had fallen from a great height to a very low point. I was flying, and suddenly, I was the walking wounded.

Transitions in my life have felt natural to me on the one hand. I don’t feel life is static. It never has been for me. Restless by nature, I’ve often pushed my own transitions beyond their natural pace. A whirlwind here, a whirlwind there. I tend to rearrange the furniture, literally and figuratively, every month or two whether it’s needed or not. My wanderlust and eclectic hobbies are well known to my friends. I have a lot of friends who do the same.

But since 2011, I have been working at earning the kind of life my other set of friends seem to have chosen naturally. The life of settled contentment. People who strove to attain a “normal” life, and attain it the “normal” way have been on my mind, and I have envied them lately. High school buddies and old chums from college, at one point, attained the goods of homes, cars, stability, family and…well…’lives.” We can’t all want it that way, and I certainly can’t -retroactively- want to start out normal and strive the way one must, when one wants the home-family-job scene. I didn’t want it, so what is left in middle age, to attain in the way of stability, when it was not attained when it was natural to do so?

I have always felt that I am not normal. (What’s normal, anyway-does anyone feel normal?) I have felt that I must shout from rooftops and treetops, what is missing, what is being hidden, and what is possible to change about this world. It’s a vague job. This description isn’t per se covered in the syllabus at school. The best I could do was Theater and Writing. But even if I were normal in theater and writing, I would have made other choices; namely, I would have read plays and written novels. But I hated reading plays, and despite loving novels, didn’t live in the creative zone of fictional characters. I was too busy looking around and seeing a world around me that dissatisfied me, and “anyone else who was paying close enough attention.” 

Problem is, seeing problems is only one way to go about it. I followed a more cynical path, even though my interior is at heart, sunny and full of love. The push-me-pull-you of being an optimist who cynically doesn’t believe in happy endings…torture. I realize the problem is one of outlook and interpretation. A true Buddhist-style suffering. Existential crises waiting to happen. They happened every month or two, and the furniture was the only thing I could regularly change. It led me to being a healer for a living. Another very vague job title, and one open to re-interpretation continually.

Well, now, I’m into the fight scenes of the movie Maleficent. I’ve reconciled that my will is not going to easily reconcile with the world I created while I was (for lack of appropriate term) angry and hungry. I simply must follow through and destroy the king who I once loved. My prize: Fostering the pure love of the “princess,” my inner creative spirit, that can return me to the sunny world of the fairy folk. Still, not predefined action. Still, not a traditional family. But nevertheless, I mean to shape my future actions by the new realities I created from my past. And do it in a new way.

I’m attempting to create a world where the old guard isn’t in charge, and the old expectations are no longer the ones I am compelled to meet. I can return to believing I can fly. I can embue my rhythms with the new light, and trust them more, and not look outside “the moors” for security or love. This is what I do every day, manifest my life from my vision. I need to let the old betrayals die and move forward. 

Is there good news here? Can I take off the cloak of cynicism, in this seemingly dire time, and see the bright future for myself and others through a lens of the wonderful world that has always existed (and that I used to belong to)? Would cultivating an attitude that everything is okay in its constant fluctuation be the way to find my own inner stability? Can I ignore what the normal people do, and stop believing that they have an answer for me?

-in gratitude, kem

 

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