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I wanted to.
Because I tried to prove that I could.
Because I had something to offer
Because I was unbeatable.

Because I was newly divorced.
Because I needed something to do.
Because my father had died.
Because I needed a rest.
Because it was about damn time.
Because I had turned 41.
Because I told everyone I would.
Because I was afraid of it.
Because I knew my mom was rooting for me.
Because my sister had done as much.
Because I had been burnt out, but flush.
Because my dreams would not let me be.

So, I went there.
I loved it there, I felt comfortable there,
I made friends there,
just like I thought I would.
I was riding the Universal support
I made hard choices and
I was myself.
I wrote like a mad woman.
I found the nooks and crannies
I cried a lot of purging tears
I was healed over and over
And then, knowing I would be,
I was ejected from there.

I have proven nothing.
I am another year older.
I am neither rested nor at peace
I grieve.
I am no longer flush
I do not easily trust
These weren’t the lessons I bargained for
I am no better off, nor worse.
I am full of myself, and do not like it.
I consider the consequences, but cannot change them.
I do not know what I see
But I no longer look over there
My dreams have left me at last.

-kerry e mckenna